The warm up

I have to preface this by letting you know that I wrote this almost a month ago and I wasn’t going to post it. I was trying to come up with the worst case scenario but instead I said f*ck it. Here goes, proceed with an open mind and heart.

I am currently stuck in the LAX airport, listening to one of my favorite podcasts “P*to el que no lo oiga.” I think this translates to “f*ck whoever doesn’t hear this” and the host, Diego, said something that got me thinking. He said, “the past and the future aren’t real, they are fueled by parts of your memory and your imagination."

I just spent the weekend with a few of my best friends in Lake Arrowhead. I don’t know if it’s the hangover or the fact that I’m hangry, but I can’t shake this feeling that I have to write something. I don’t mean to write a reflection paper, but what he said is really resonating with me.

We have memories because we live moments. If not why do we have them? Memories wouldn’t exist otherwise, right? And how is the future not real? I mean, tomorrow is going to come, the clock doesn’t stop ticking. When he says this I am very resistant to it.

Now, not even 5 minutes later, I press pause on the podcast to type this out, because I think I understand what he's saying. The past and the future don’t exist. Only the present moment matters, this second that’s happening right now. Even that is fleeting. That doesn’t mean that yesterday was all made up, but it's no longer happening, the only meaning the past has is the one you attach to it.

It sounds a little corny no?

And the future isn’t real either. Tomorrow will come, if not for you then for others. If not for others, then for you. But it also has yet to happen and therefore, drumroll please, doesn’t exist. It isn’t real.

I think deep down, I’ve always known this. But we deny truths to ourselves all of the time. As Diego would say, the only certainty we have is that we are going to die, we just choose to look the other way.

So then, if at the end of the day it all boils down to me dying, why am I so willing to live so mundanely? Why do I keep reliving situations instead of moving forward in the present moment? Why do I keep fantasizing to end up disappointed?

I find it incredibly difficult to let go of memories. I stay stuck a lot of the time because of this. Relieving the same movie in my head, afraid that it might never happen again. I find myself limiting the amount of growth I can do by hanging on to these.

When reflecting on the “past,” I KNOW, and I’ve learned that when I let go I move forward, and the most beautiful things have come into my life. I KNOW this. So why the hell do I keep hanging on?!

Fear? Yes, I don’t need a therapist to tell me I am afraid of letting go because I’ve attached myself so closely to certain memories.

Ex-“boyfriends,” (a story for another day) friendships, situations, etc. In a strange way, reflecting on this with the mindset that these things are no longer in existence helps me drop the load. These things that have chosen to let me go, need to be let go of as well.

If not, I’ll stay stuck running on the treadmill instead of stepping outside and going on the actual run. Even if it’s fucking freezing outside, you bundle up and you soak in the real thing. The tread is comfortable. The outside run lights up your heart, the wind shakes up your hair, the sun kisses your face, gives you unexpected uphill battles. It’s the real high, it’s the one you can’t cheat.

What I’m getting at here, is that if I might die later tonight, tomorrow, the next year or in the next 50, I want to make sure that I am fully present doing something that brings value and passion into my life.

I’m not going to pretend that I know exactly what that is yet, but if the past doesn’t exist, and the future is a complete unknown, then this, this moment right here is what I have to cherish. Writing all of this out feels like a good start. It’s nerve-wracking but exciting. The real challenge is getting it out instead of letting it get buried in my notes. Sharing this is how I learn to stop caring about validation, how I move forward, how I’ll grow.

If no one reads this that ok. But I know I’m warming up for my marathon.

Much love, Brenda

PS. You can kick ass on a tread too, just sayin